5) I cried (a lot) & took space from others
Healing isn’t linear – it’s messy, and we don’t typically have a fun time going through the process. In my personal and professional experience, we tend to feel worse before we feel better. In this context, therapy can be painful – I didn’t feel fantastic after a majority of my sessions and that has nothing to do with my therapist and everything to do with my trauma and how deeply I buried and avoided it.
Once I had skills and was “resourced” enough, the work took me to dark places and brought on intense emotions I had historically only felt when triggered. The difference between feeling something like abandonment when you’re triggered VS feeling it when you’re healing is all in how you respond to the emotion. When triggered I would rely on impulsive behaviours to avoid the feeling; while healing I relied (and still rely) on somatic work; intentionally sticking with the emotion, allowing it to come up and out while creating safety in my body through conscious breath and movement, among other skills.
What’s more, taking space from others allowed me to nurture actual hobbies and wellness practices — two things that were absent in my life when I was going through the throes of being anxiously-attached. It’s common for anxious folks to focus on people like they’re hobbies; I did this a lot (mostly out of fear-driven, or shame-driven thoughts and poor self-esteem). Eventually, I had a rude awakening: in my (albeit toxic) attempt to create security with others, I inadvertently pushed everyone away. I had previously relied on my friends and partners for validation and regulation so when I found myself alone it highlighted the reality that I didn’t have many skills or passions of my own. I’ve since learned that developing hobbies are foundational to self-esteem and feeling secure overall. Relationships may end, but hobbies and wellness practices are where you begin.
Over the years there were also times when I actually wanted space from family and friends. I spent a lot of time on my yoga mat; I participated in a week-long silent meditation retreat; Id go on long walks or paddles on the lake; Id take myself to the movies or a restaurant; I experimented with creative endeavours… Again, the difference between withdrawing when you’re depressed (for example) and isolating during healing is intentionality. Isolating and taking space was how I learned to meet myself – to befriend parts of myself I was ashamed of or embarrassed by. Simply put, intentionally taking a step back from daily distractions, which included what might have been happening for others in my life, allowed me to tune into myself and learn how to take care of me. Some may consider this a selfish act – I consider it an act of reclaiming agency I lost when I abandoned myself and only focused on others. Today, I genuinely love my alone time.
